Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
