I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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