My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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