Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
