you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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