Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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