This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
