I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
