Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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