I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
