From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
