with your own penis?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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