I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
