Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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