I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
