Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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