I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
