God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize