I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
