i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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