plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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