I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
