Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
