Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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