I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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