sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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