Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
