Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
