first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my shit smells like andre
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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