My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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