using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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