nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
