we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
