I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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