There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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