I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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