At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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