He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
