On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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