I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
