I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
