why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
