my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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