He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
