No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
