the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
