so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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