you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
