I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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