What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize