how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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