I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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