I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
