I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
