you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
