I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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