I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
