I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
