I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
