new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
