first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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