the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
