i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
