you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
