you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
