we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
