walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
