k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
