I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
