I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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