we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
